This afternoon I finally went running after an almost 3-week hiatus. I went on my usual 6 mile route, and although the "ChiRunning" book is giving me some good pointers, it was still killing me. I was never physically exhausted or out of breath, but my core temperature was overheating. I had to stop and walk for about five minutes. I can't understand it - I drank a lot of water before hand. Also, I used to run at lunchtime in the depths of summer in Japan with no major problem. Maybe the Florida summer actually is hotter, and it'll take a little more acclimation. The good thing is that I finally dragged my sorry butt out there and did it. Hopefully, I've broken through my rut. The cycle is vicious. I know it all too well - go to work (exhausted), come home, eat dinner, fall asleep for a couple hours, wake up, watch tv and fool around on the computer until 1 or 2am, then finally go to bed, falsely promising myself that I will make up the missed-run by waking up "extra" early to do it before work. Ha!! I'm so foolish! Not only do I not wake up early, I ride that snooze button way past the normal time I should get up, then rush to get out of the house and on to work (typically 5-10 minutes late). I hate it and I hate what I am doing to myself. And I think I realize what it all boils down to...
I won't say that "my job sucks". That's so cliche, and plus it's not true. I make really decent money, I sit in an air-conditioned office all day, and I could be breaking my back digging ditches for the city in the Florida heat all day. I'm not sure if I'm good at my job or not. I would like to think that I am, but there's this gnawing self-doubt about it all. Thing is, there are people that are great in this profession, like any profession. Not sure if I'm one of them. I deal with difficult people and difficult situations all day long. I'm not sure if I always make the right decisions. People tell me everyday how much they hate me, and I know it's not personal, but, hey, in what other profession (except maybe the IRS) do people say that to you? Fear of the unknown of what will walk through the door next kills me. It creates a deep-seated anxiety in me that makes me wake up sweat-drenched usually about an hour or two before the alarm clock goes off. So even when I do hit that snooze a hundred times, that final short bit of sleep is never a restful sleep. On weekends, I'm already worried about Monday morning when it's still Saturday evening. Sometimes I hear about people that absolutely love what they do for a living - that they are actually sincerely and truly excited to get up every morning to do what they do. I envy those people (and secretly want to kill them). I hope that one day I can be one of them. My apologies for being such a whiner, but it feels good to get this off of my chest. My wife hates to hear me talk about this stuff. It's hard to hear anyone talk about this stuff. I've revealed too much here, so just forget that you ever read any of this.
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Aren't I glamorous?
1 comment:
Too late, you need a disclaimer at the beginning of the post. My job doesn't really suck, either, and I'm paid pretty well with a long vacation. It's a major company though, and lately I find myself disgusted by the corporate dicks who do nothing yet make twenty times what I do while I bust my ass making them look good. I used to think that people who do what they like were lucky, but really, I just need to get off my butt and figure out what I like to do and incorporate that into a career. I'm either going to transfer or change jobs all together in a year or so. For right now I'm just riding the wave to where it takes me.
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